Trouble in Paradise

Like every other girl
I’ve dreamt of this day
dressed in pink
to the tunes, I sway
banter and laughter
posing and twirling
Oh, so pretty!
She sure is lucky!

Lucky?
Lucky did you say?
Stop, I tell myself. Ignore
that’s just cliche
it’s my day
and I can’t be bothered
with thoughts astray
but my smile a little glum
a weird feeling, I can’t fathom
I try to think
of my future paradise
the one that I have dreamt of
and again I smile.

Time should have flown
like in any fairy tale
but in mine, well
it won’t just go by
I struggle through it
with every breath
the expectations, the taunts
the silent abuse
my esteem battling a slow death

So I turn to my own
to find solace
Trouble in paradise?
Ah, Tis nothing!
my concerns brushed aside
That’s normal?
Then why is it baffling?

I am handed a guide
to survive
not to be happy
but to survive
to reconcile, to compromise
after all, no two families are the same
well, that’s no surprise.

I don’t want to fight
just to be heard
I want to protest
I fumble for words
are my expectations that high?
oh you are so pure
of course you can expect
but only a baby.

I realise its futile
to argue, to explain
my efforts to hold ground
all in vain
confused and deluded
by the hypocrisy
I try to survive
I reconcile, I compromise
to the world’s pure surmise.

Bags under my eyes
the frown replacing my smile
two months as a newlywed
and I begin to hate the girl in the mirror
I am losing hope
my mind is clouded
I want to run away
but I feel shackled
the fear
the trauma
gnawing at my beliefs
my life losing its meaning
and no one
no one understands my grief.

This is my paradise?
my life has no meaning
in this paradise
or my life has no meaning at all?

Stop
what am I thinking
I am wrong
yes, I am wrong
this is not paradise
this is not me
I wasn’t raised
to just be
I fear for everything
but I haven’t lost all
I need to escape
escape this hell hole.

I am tired, I am hurt
angry and so afraid
but I can’t give up on me
for the fear of tirade
call me a quitter or a failure
I really don’t care
I am escaping
cause I have been
where no one would dare
I’m sure with time
it will all be fine
because I know and believe
I will find
a paradise that’s truly mine.

 

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